Mindscape: Issue 887

Mindscape

Abby Delouya

How to give feedback effectively and respectfully:

Whether we’re giving feedback to our spouses, children, friends, or workmates, finding that balance between expressing meaningful feedback in a kind, constructive way and being hurtful can sometimes be a nuanced challenge. It can seem easier to just keep quiet, particularly if we’re conflict avoidant, but often then when we do speak up, our pent-up feelings come out sounding harsh and critical. Similarly, if we wait until we’re completely fed up to speak up, the recipient may not understand the context, or the depth of our feelings, when this is the first they’ve heard of the issue. Alternatively, speaking up at the right time, in the right place, using strategic communication, can resolve conflicts, improve motivation, and contribute to growth.

There are several types of feedback: informal feedback, formative feedback, and performance feedback. Informal feedback is the type of feedback we probably give the most — it tends to happen naturally, and it’s often something people initiate or ask for on their own. Formative feedback is designed to help us gain skills and improve our work. It’s often not negative but can point out ways to make something even better. Performance feedback is a structured assessment used for work to assess our roles and responsibilities in the workforce.

Some basic recommendations that help make sure our feedback is helpful and not hurtful are:

1. Timing is everything: Make sure the recipient is open to hearing feedback, and keep it timely. Husband did the laundry on Sunday and you have feedback? Don’t wait until Thursday.
2. Focus on actions: If we focus on someone’s character instead of their actions, they may feel attacked or defensive.
3. Stay balanced: Use the “sandwich” approach — sandwich anything negative between two positive comments.
4. Encourage self-reflection: Deliver feedback in a way that encourages people to reflect on what they are doing. Try asking open-ended questions like, “What are some things you might do differently next time?”
5. Don’t spill over to others: Give feedback in private and without comparing anyone else. “When Chumy was your age, she was able to XYZ….”
6. Use “I” statements: When delivering negative feedback, stick to the golden I-statement rule.
7. Think: Think through what you want to say, and how, before speaking up.

Relationship Reflections: Maintaining emotional availability in relationships

Nature (genetics, personality) and nurture (environment) can dictate our emotional openness and availability. Yet even if we’re naturally super open, communicative, and emotionally available, life can take over, and we can get busy and tired. When we’re overwhelmed by different things (kids, work, busy schedules), it’s hard to maintain openness and vulnerability.