From Boy to Bochur

Everything you wanted to know about making a bar mitzvah (and some things you didn’t)

It’s universally accepted that making a bar mitzvah equals stress. How can we enjoy this milestone, make it special for our son, and still emerge with our nerves (and budgets) intact? Mothers and rebbeim bring you tips, perspective, and a little entertainment

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ou’ve finally settled on the bar mitzvah date; now comes the big question: How much or little should the bar mitzvah bochur take on? Should he just learn to lein maftir? Maftir and haftarah? The whole parshah? Should he make a siyum?

According to Rabbi Yosef Jacobovics, s’gan menahel of Yeshiva Ktana of Passiac, there’s really no rule when it comes to that. “Personally, as a parent, I gave all my sons a choice. I didn’t push them. I told them, ‘You can take on as much as you want, but start with something small, and we’ll keep adding on as you’re ready.’ They began with maftir, and then went backward and learned one aliyah at a time. I advise parents to do the same.”

The time it takes to focus on the “extras” — such as making a siyum, or even learning to lein — will inevitably take away from the learning the boys are doing in school. “But in the bigger picture, if it makes a boy feel successful and accomplished, you end up gaining more than you lose,” says Rabbi Jacobovics.

Rabbi Hillel Drazin is a fourth-grade rebbi at the Hebrew Academy of Cleveland and has been a bar mitzvah rebbi for over 35 years, teaching hundreds of boys to lein, including two of my sons. He agrees with the mehalach of not pressuring boys. “Once the boy doesn’t feel pressure, he usually does more than we expect him to. If the father or mother approaches it with the attitude of, ‘I think he could do the whole thing, but no pressure,’ then it usually works out.