“I’m Struggling with Adopting Higher Standards”

We’ve recently moved to a new community that is far to the right of the one I grew up in, especially as far as dress and media exposure go. This was a conscious decision on our part as we do want to raise our children in this type of atmosphere. But right now my kids are still young, and I’m struggling with several of the community’s standards that are hard for me to adapt to so quickly. On a public front,  I feel like my style in dress seems out of sync for this community. But also privately, no one around me seems to enjoy my ways of downtime,  like reading secular books, or listening to secular music. While I understand the values behind these ideals, I also feel like I need to be myself.  How do I balance striving to grow without pushing myself too hard and too fast?

Ruchi Koval is a kiruv rebbetzin, parent coach, author, public speaker, mother, and grandmother.

Reading your question, what jumps out at me immediately is your deep desire for authenticity. Authenticity is the quality of being genuine or real — meaning, you’re not one person in public and a different person in private. I love that this dichotomy bothers you. It shows your deep desire to be real.

But how can you be true to all parts of yourself?

The Gemara (Yoma 72b) discusses that a talmid chacham must be “tocho k’varo,” someone whose inside reflects his outside. The gemara refers to the aron kodesh here — it was made with gold on the inside and the outside. No one sees the inside, so why use expensive gold for that? This is a lesson for us in authenticity. Our inner selves must match our outer selves.

One component is your concern not to be disrespectful to your new community’s standards. The second concern is your children’s growth. The third component is your own self. Will you be denying yourself what you need to fit into your community?