Miserable Munchkins

Q:

I don’t know if my kids are unusually demanding, but I find myself trying so hard to keep everybody happy, only to end up with a houseful of screaming, fighting, whining kids. For instance, my seven-year-old routinely wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. When I say a cheery good morning to him (knowing how important it is to start the day right and trying to make him feel loved), he growls back, “No it isn’t!” I try to tell him what a great day it’s going to be and what a super snack I’ve put in his lunch — I try really hard to put him in a better mood — but it never works.

Once I’m in the kitchen getting breakfast ready for everyone, each child has a problem. The nine-year-old is panicking that she can’t find the paper I’m supposed to sign for her teacher. The five-year-old wants pizza toast right now, and when I tell her we’re out of pizza toast and I can make her a delicious smoothie or a bunch of other options I beg her to accept, she screams, “Nooooooo! you have to make pizza toast now!” I think it’s so important to have a beautiful atmosphere in the home. I’m trying so hard, but I can’t seem to pull it off. What am I doing wrong?

A:

I can see one thing that you’re doing wrong — you’re trying to make everybody happy. What pressure you’re putting on yourself!

You know that kids are kids, right? They want what they want when they want it — especially if they’re only five years old. They have big emotions and a small toolkit for managing them. Your grumpy seven-year-old can’t yet elevate his morning mood and might not be able to do so for another decade or so. Your nine-year-old may be disorganized or anxious or both (or maybe she’s just a regular kid who can’t find her paper), but she’s at the age where she can’t really hold herself together through her distress.

Kids are naturally dysregulated, and although there are some who are more chilled than others, impatience, irritation, and other forms of immaturity are normal in children. Most grow out of it by the time they’re 50, or even sooner!

All joking aside, there really are some 50-year-olds who aren’t much better than your bunch — still grumpy in the morning, prone to panic, fussy, and inflexible. But when parents provide emotional guidance and a decent model, many youngsters do manage to eventually acquire some adequate stress-management skills. Your job is to help them do that by providing a good model and some good lessons, along with a generous dose of positive attention.