Q:
My husband is disorganized. He leaves clothing and belongings everywhere. I can’t say I’m naturally organized, but I really put in a lot of work to declutter and tidy the home and clean up after myself. For the most part I quietly clean up after my husband (after years of trying to get him to do it himself). However, a few times a year his messy behavior really gets to me, and I’ll vent to him about it. Unfortunately, this only creates tension between us.
Our kids (ages 2–11) also struggle with neatness and organization. I find myself nagging them constantly, reminding them to clear their dishes, put their clothes in laundry baskets, put the cereal boxes back in the cupboards, and so on and on. They don’t remember to do anything themselves, and I find it exhausting and mentally taxing to keep on top of them this way. I wonder sometimes if it’s harder for them to register the value of neatness because they see my husband leaving his things around everywhere, and I feel resentful.
As a result of all this, my house usually looks messy, and I experience a lot of sensory overwhelm. Can you give me some tools to A) deal with my husband and marriage B) teach my children to clean up after themselves/value neatness and organization and C) deal with my own emotions and sensory overwhelm when things fail and the house ends up messy?
A:
Let’s jump right in with A): your marriage. You tried to educate and train your husband for years with no success. Either your teaching skill was lacking (too much criticism, not enough praise), or your husband is simply not educable. You can improve your techniques and try again (e.g., read my book, Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice, and modify the techniques a bit to better suit adult interactions) or if you think you did all that can be done on that front, accept that your husband suffers from some sort of inborn organizational deficit (as seen in some ADHD sufferers) and isn’t going to change. If you’re doing the latter, you can continue to clean up after him without ever trying to get him to improve. Appreciate the good he brings to your life and accept that this challenge comes along with it. Hashem sent you both.
If your financial situation allows it, I’d suggest hiring extra cleaning help to assist with the excessive workload. Keep your marriage peaceful by not wasting your time venting to him. Vent to the forest, a journal, Hashem, a professional, a pet, a mentor, or a friend. If he ever cleans up even a little, show plenty of appreciation.
B) Teaching your kids to clean up after themselves is a totally different story. Apply the strategies in the aforementioned book as they’re stated, building an authoritative relationship (very warm connection along with clear rules and limits). Whenever a child puts something away or cleans up after himself, immediately show gratitude. Teach the kids to put a sticker on their own reward chart as they clear their breakfast dishes, throw out their finished meal, and otherwise tidy up. Let them turn in a completed chart for prizes and privileges. Show great pleasure in little acts of organization, and when a reminder is needed, offer it in a very toned-down, quiet voice, minimizing attention to messy behaviors in order to reduce accidental reinforcement.
Game-ify cleaning up with the youngest set (be playful, offer races and little competitions for “first one finished gets extra chocolate chips!” and so on). With the older ones, work alongside them to facilitate bonding while cleaning up. Develop a “whistle while you work” sort of atmosphere; take the pain and misery out of simple chores. Again, get as much hired help as you possibly can because it can take many years to train kids to really keep your home clean.
And this brings us to your last question: C) dealing with your own mess-related stress and sensory overwhelm. Did I mention getting more hired help? This is cheaper than the psychiatrist, marriage counselor, and family doctor that you may require by failing to attend to the needs of your own body and mind. This extra hired help is for putting things away — not washing the linen and the floors. She is hired specifically to go around and put things in their place.
If you can’t afford or find such a person and all the work falls on you, become a “minimalist,” someone who owns very few material objects. Limit the amount of cutlery, cups, plates, toys, clothes, books, food, and other items in the house down to the bare minimum for survival: The less you have, the less mess you have. No matter who says what, ruthlessly discard as much as you can. If your family wants things, they will have to prove they can manage them.
Smile while you work in order to calm the family, but even more so, to calm yourself. Bring order into your home primarily by ordering your priorities: Focus on loving the mess-makers. Remember they are gifts to you from Hashem.
