“ ‘Never’ and ‘always’ have no place in childbirth; you’re not in charge. Hashem is”
I was deeply saddened and concerned by the question regarding dating and addiction in last week’s issue.
It’s a sad reality that in too many cases frum/yeshivah culture has unintentionally evolved to the point that addictive behaviors like drinking, smoking, and vaping are somehow considered culturally acceptable outlets. (And now, apparently, marijuana as well.) The excuse of “stress reduction” only emphasizes the lack of kosher and healthy stress management outlets like exercise, sports, and music.
The young man in question said that he would quit “after they are married.” The counselor in the story wisely advised the young woman to request a two-week trial, proving that the young man was adversely affected by abstaining from his drugs of choice, and was therefore addicted and unlikely to change.
I’d like to propose a further concern that would come into play, even if it turned out that the boy wasn’t “addicted” in the strictly clinical sense. A single boy who finds his life “stressful” and needs to revert to unhealthy coping mechanisms, but believes he will stop once he is married, will be greatly surprised to find that married life brings exponentially greater stress — not less. How will he cope when he is faced with the normal challenges of building a relationship, parnassah challenges, and child-raising issues? And what will happen when his renewed usage creates shalom bayis issues, causing even more stress?
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