After many discussions and much thought, we still decided to move ahead with this project
As our editors and writers discussed possible approaches and pieced together the material, I kept a list of questions, concerns, and personal takes. Here are some of the issues I wondered and worried about.
Along with overwhelming gratitude and humility in the face of Hashem’s great kindness, one of my takeaways from marrying off a child was this: If you’re part of a society, you will pay into the system. Even if you don’t endorse or agree with it. Even if you actually disagree.
When you’re young and idealistic, you think you’ll somehow buck those established simchah trends that don’t make much sense. Everyone knows that all those formulaic gifts and prescribed presentations don’t convey much heart. That boiling down a promising young yeshivah bochur’s value to a number is shortsighted and ugly. That there are few people above the age of 23 who actually want to get dressed up at night to attend a vort. That no one is quite sure why they must obey every dictate and detail on the list of engagement and wedding must-haves composed by some amorphous force called Society.
But you learn, very quickly, that even if you don’t fully agree with all those “musts” — even if you cannot find a single person who fully agrees with them — you’re part of something bigger than you. And also, more critically, that ignoring or defying any of those expectations can result in real hurt to the young people embarking on this very momentous and vulnerable venture. And so for better and worse — when it comes to weddings, bar mitzvahs, or even high school shabbatons — you will bow your head and pay.
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