“I, too, have felt jealous of those who have truly lost a parent”
As a child of divorce, I found this story very validating, as it is exactly what I feel. I, too, lost a parent, like other girls I know, yet I didn’t have the chance to sit shivah, to mourn, to have people comfort me about the loss — because my parent is still alive. I don’t have the freedom to look upset, because people will judge, rather than accept. I, too, will be second-rate in shidduchim, whereas girls who have actually lost a parent will be looked at as “so strong” and not be offered boys who are second-best. Like the protagonist, I, too, have felt jealous of those who have truly lost a parent, and wish to have been through that rather than what I did go through.
Why, in our community, are children of divorce looked upon with judgment rather than compassion? They have often been through just as many, if not more, challenges and trauma, as someone who’s truly lost a parent. Can people not be more accepting that we aren’t to blame and there’s nothing wrong with us? Will we one day be allowed to “slump” in the grocery store, and have people tell us we’re strong, rather than judge and blame?
A shout-out to Penina Roth for describing so well the pain of both the widow and the divorced woman. As a divorced woman, I myself can relate to the often unvalidated suffering we divorced people experience and to constantly grieve the life that could’ve been mine if only my marriage had turned out different. As a divorced woman, I also wanted to give a shout-out to all the people who are doing things right. To those who send over supper, offer to watch my daughter, invite me for Shabbos meals, or even just smile at me on the days when I feel so alone. To those who don’t judge, or those who, when they do find themselves passing judgment, take a step back and with humility admit that they do not truly know what went on in my marriage. Thank you to all of you individuals, and to all the others who are kind and empathetic to divorced people. We appreciate all your compassion, understanding, and most of all for the ability to admit that you may never truly understand what went on in our difficult marriages.
I greatly appreciated the Real Life article in Issue 981. It offered a rare and honest window into the suffering of a young divorced woman — a perspective we aren’t often privileged to see.
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