The Yamim Tovim are always hard for caregivers and those who’ve lost loved ones. Memories flash before our eyes. We remember all the things our spouses did to prepare for and enhance our Yom Tov. We recall them blessing the children and grandchildren before Yom Kippur, decorating the succah with them, dancing with toddlers on their shoulders on Simchas Torah. We miss those times and can’t help feeling more sharply than ever how much our lives, like our Yom Tov table, has been diminished.
This is also the time we can’t escape the realization that our family dynamics have changed enormously. I remember how saddened I felt when it became clear that our home could no longer be the place where our family gathered to celebrate the chagim.
Going to the children was problematic for two reasons. The first, and most obvious, was that being away from home was disorienting for my husband, and I worried he might do something disruptive that would ruin the Yom Tov for everyone. Even more painful for me was the sense that our roles as patriarch and matriarch of the family were slipping away. Rather than continuing to do what we had always done — caring for our family — we were now the ones who needed to be cared for.
In a more global sense, there’s also the concern and heartache we feel when our loved ones can no longer perform mitzvos as they once did. It’s painful each and every day to watch someone you love struggling to make even the simplest brachah. This problem is intensified, of course, during the Yamim Tovim because the routines — hard enough to maintain under ordinary circumstances — change. We try to help the best we can, although our help is often not well received. Sometimes we have to learn things we never thought we’d have to know in order to pick up the slack.
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