How To Transform Your Life (And Theirs)

Last week I argued that when it comes to raising children and particularly when it comes to dealing with children who have begun to stray from the path of Torah there is no one blanket method for all cases because every child is a world unto himself and likewise so is every parent. What was true and authentic for one parent may come across as contrived for another and the child will intuitively see through the sham.

But there is one method that can be applied in every case because it makes use of the inherent power of the individual situation. Shlomo HaMelech the wisest of men taught us the secret:

“As in water a face reflects a face so is the heart of man to man” (Mishlei 27:19).

Before we examine the solution let us clarify the problem: Parents may be equipped with plenty of good skills and advice on how to conduct a conversation but for all our savvy and all our efforts to be considerate in our hearts we might blame our child and harbor anger or resentment toward him. We might feel we’ve done all a parent should do for a child. We’ve given him the best education. Our love and self-sacrifice has known no bounds. And therefore we relay to him that he has free choice and must take full responsibility for his rebellion blaming no one else — not his parents not the yeshivah not the mashgiach or the morah. We let him know that his downslide is nobody’s fault but his own. We the victimized parents are willing to lend a helping hand but the task is his. Our stance remains firm because after all we’re on the side of G‑d the Torah and the truth and so obviously nothing about us needs to change. This is how we as parents or educators usually view ourselves in such a face-off with our kids and perhaps it’s one reason the successes are so few and the crisis so widespread.