"I understand that you were out to give your daughter the best shot at getting married. What about my son who was so hurt in the process?"
I love Batya Weinberg’s columns; they are a welcome breath of fresh air in a murky world, clarifying hashkafic concepts with a plethora of sources, a great combination of wit and passion, and a deep understanding of people. But I found this week’s discussion of money to be less satisfying than her previous pieces.
I would venture to say that the entire target of the discussion was off. Yes, there are some people in our community who have become obsessed with accruing money and luxury. But the vast majority of us are struggling — not for money as its own goal, but struggling to provide our families with all the things that frum society has deemed “necessary.” The obsessive focus does not revolve around money per se; it revolves around the need to pay for housing, tuition, therapies and tutoring, clothing, camp, simchahs… all at a standard that presents the right “look” or “tone,” even if we see ourselves as far from wealthy.
Interestingly enough, and probably unhealthily enough, these days you can get so much of the “right type” of stuff for cheaper than in the past. Between knockoffs, Aliexpress, friendly frum sites and apps giving us heads-up about sales, it is now within everyone’s reach to be on trend. Simchah-prop gemachs and cheaper-but-stylish options for sheitels and the like just exacerbate the issue.
People whose income bracket 20 years ago would have meant making peace with less clothing, less home décor, less vacations — now they spend just as much (or even more time) than their wealthier counterparts scouring the Internet for more deals. Not because they aren’t honest about how much money they do or don’t have — but because having less money is no longer an excuse not to look right or present right. Having a husband who learns in kollel or who works as klei kodesh is no longer a valid reason not to keep up with the crowds.
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