G
rief is an emotion familiar to most of us, and is generally thought to follow the death of a loved one.
But grief can also be experienced before a death and, in the case of long-term caregivers, can go on for months or even years as we suffer multiple losses — the decline of our loved ones, the loss of our old lives and routines — and cope with the fear of what lies ahead. This has been termed “anticipatory grief,” and involves many of the same feelings as post-death grief: sadness, despair, helplessness, hopelessness, dread, anxiety, and guilt. The guilt component can be very strong, given the fact that one is mourning a loved one who is still living.
Most people will experience anticipatory grief after a loved one receives a devastating diagnosis. In my case, it was different. Because my husband z”l refused to see a doctor for such a long time, I felt anticipatory grief long before a formal diagnosis was made. As much as I wanted him to get medical attention, I dreaded the moment when his illness would finally have a name, and I dreaded everything that would follow.
Anticipatory grief presumably follows a similar trajectory to post-death grief, with the mourner experiencing the stages of denial, bargaining, depression, anger, and acceptance. In my experience, though, the stages didn’t progress in a linear fashion. Over the course of my husband’s long illness, I kept cycling in and out of those stages, depending on how he was doing at any given time.
