No creates a boundary — a line demarcating what you are and are not going to do
Shoshana Schwartz
NO is a simple two-letter word.
No is a word that often makes people feel bad — the person saying it as well as the person hearing it. What’s worse, we sometimes discover that no bursts out of us as an aggressive or angry response. Often, this eruption shocks us just as much as the recipient. Where’s all this intensity coming from?
No creates a boundary — a line demarcating what you are and are not going to do. When you’re unquestionably certain that no is the best answer, it’s much easier to set and stick to that boundary with equanimity. Your certainty makes the recipient’s disappointment, sadness, or anger easier to bear.
The same may happen with a spouse or friend. When you believe you have the right to say no, even if the reasons are clear only to you, your inner tension dissolves. When you’re ambivalent, you’re more likely to get inside the other person’s head and add their voices to your own, fueling the inner battle; you’re more worried about being judged for your decision; you’re more likely to fear confrontation that might ensue.
Certainty allows you to say no with compassion, sans compensatory defensiveness that reflexively erupt out of you.
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