The School-Morning Standoff
Shona Kaisman-Schwartz
This morning was rough. Two of my kids didn’t want to go to school.
It seems that no matter how much I believe that kids can do hard things and there’s no need to panic when they’re facing a challenge, there’s just something about that, “I don’t want to go to school” morning drama that is absolutely stressful! I feel it in my stomach. My mind races. I worry even after they’ve walked out the door.
When these mornings happen, I try to pause and remind myself of a few fundamental beliefs that ground me:
- What am I worried about? Am I worried they’ll have a terrible day? Is there something I’ve neglected as a parent? Am I concerned that other parents will judge me for dragging a reluctant child through the school doors?
- Kids can be okay and uncomfortable. I have to remind myself of this absolute truth. Discomfort doesn’t equal damage. They can feel reluctant and annoyed to go to school and still be okay, well-adjusted kids.
- I did this as a kid (and teenager)! As a parent, I want my kids to be happy, excited, and comfortable going to school. But as a kid? I often disliked going to school and would use any excuse possible to get out of it! I wasn’t traumatized — I was a normal kid who preferred staying home (cue the shock!)
- Feelings are fluid. While it’s hard to leave a cozy bed or PJs, get out the door, and sometimes hard to be at school, things naturally evolve, circumstances change. A new friend is made, a teacher shares an encouraging word, something clicks in Chumash. Feelings are fluid. These morning struggles feel enormous in the moment, but they’re often just part of the messy, complicated, and necessary friction of growing up and they’re dynamic; they regularly change.
Four ways to support school-refusal mornings:
- Validate their feelings first: “It sounds like you really don’t want to go today. That feeling makes sense sometimes. It’s hard for me to…. sometimes.”
- Keep your energy calm: Your anxiety feeds theirs. I see this over and over in my own home. Take three deep breaths before responding to their resistance.
- Stick to the routine: Acknowledge the struggle, offer comfort, but still move through the morning steps. Consistency provides security even when they’re protesting.
- Special surprises: Sometimes, kids need special surprises. An iced coffee or hot chocolate in the morning. A candy in their lunch. An opportunity to be picked up 20 minutes early for some one-on-one time.
Remember that resistance to going to school doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent or that your child is fragile. Often, it doesn’t even mean there’s anything specifically troubling at school. Remind yourself: Tomorrow morning might be completely different, and that’s the beautiful unpredictability of raising humans.
