A Time for Sadness

Prepared for print by Faigy Peritzman

What is an onen? As an onen, what is permitted or forbidden for me to do? May one say Tehillim while being an onen?

An onen is one whose close relative (parent, sibling, or spouse) has passed away but has not yet been buried. During that time, the onen is exempt from all of the “positive” mitzvos, such as davening, reciting brachos, and learning Torah, but he is allowed to recite Tehilim if he does so in honor of the deceased. An onen may not eat meat or poultry, nor may he drink wine or grape juice. The halachos of aninus don’t apply on Shabbos and Yom Tov.

When returning from a funeral or a cemetery, when and how should one wash his hands?
After leaving a funeral or a cemetery and before entering one’s home or another person’s home, one should wash his hands three times from a vessel, alternating between the right and left hands. There are different customs, some based on Kabbalistic sources, concerning the method of washing: The water should drain into the ground and not collect in a puddle; after washing, any water that remains in the vessel is poured out; the vessel is turned upside down and placed on the ground, not handed to the next person. Some let their hands air dry and do not use a towel; some wash their face as well.

What is a seudas havrah?

This refers to the first meal a mourner eats immediately after the burial. The halachah is that a mourner may not eat his own food for this first meal, but instead it’s served to him by others (neighbors, friends, relatives, or self-supporting married children). It’s customary (but not required) to first serve the mourner some bread along with a hard-boiled egg (or lentils), and then any other foods may be served as well, including poultry or meat and some wine along with the food. Some maintain that it is even a mitzvah to serve wine during this meal.

What are the halachos of showering during shivah? Do these change for Shabbos?

A full body shower, with cold, lukewarm, or hot water, is forbidden during shivah, including showering for Shabbos. If, however, the shower isn’t for pleasure or refreshing, but in order to clean yourself of actual dirt, remove a bad odor, or clean up from heavy sweating, it’s permitted to take a quick, cold or lukewarm shower for that purpose. If in order to remove the dirt or smell, soap or shampoo is necessary, it’s permitted as well. It’s also permitted to take a hot shower or a bath for medical reasons, such as before or after giving birth.