Bein hameitzarim the three weeks between the fast days of the 17th of Tammuz and Tishah B’Av marks the period of the year when the Jewish People focus on the catastrophic destruction of the Beis Hamikdash. Indeed our dismal title “aveilei Tzion v’Yerushalayim” brings home the message that each and every Jew is in mourning over this tragic loss. As such this is a fitting time to deepen our understanding of the plight of the yesomim the children among us who have suffered the loss of a parent lo aleinu.
The Torah stresses the importance of understanding the needs of the yasom and some personal experiences have granted me deeper insight into this mitzvah. The first experience was when I was in fifth grade and our rebbi accompanied us to visit “Menachem” a classmate who was sitting shivah upon the abrupt unexpected loss of his father. Silence weighed heavily in the room as our young group sat awkwardly around our orphaned friend no one quite sure of what to say or how to act. Suddenly one boy pulled out a magnetic toy from his pocket and asked Menachem if he would like to see how it works. Menachem excitedly acknowledged that he would and with that the ice was broken and we all began chatting like normal fifth graders.
It took three decades and a meeting with a young man I’ll call Eliezer for me to appreciate the lessons of that encounter.
Eliezer who had recently lost his father was sharing with me the difficulties he was encountering while settling in at his new yeshivah. When I expressed to Eliezer my initial assumption that his friends were acting insensitively to his situation I was surprised to learn that the opposite was true. Actually the bochurim were treating him wonderfully — and that was the issue. Eliezer tearfully described his intense feelings of embarrassment at being an orphan. He was convinced that whenever he entered a room people were looking at him as “the yasom.” He felt that people treated and spoke to him differently. Likewise when he was a guest at a Shabbos meal he was certain that he was accorded special treatment. I reflected that although Eliezer was no longer an avel by halachic standards emotionally he was still “sitting on the floor ” uncomfortable with everyone else encircling him. Over the years I have met other yesomim who expressed similar discomfort about feeling different and were certain that they were accorded special treatment because people pitied them.
