“Can a Health Nut Marry a Burger-and-Fries Guy?”         

Iknow this might sound like a superficial question, but I am really struggling with it. I take my health very seriously. I work out every day, and I avoid meat, flour, and sugar except for the occasional treat on Shabbos. The guy I’m dating is a real bochur. He likes his Thursday night cholent (and on Friday, and Friday night, and Shabbos), preferably with a beer, and appreciates a good charcuterie board. I think the only exercise he gets is walking from the dorm to the beis medrash.

Everything else is a great fit. We have great conversations — he’s a great listener and also a great contributor. We see eye to eye hashkafically, except for this area where I put an emphasis on health, and he thinks it’s “getting caught up in the trends of the outside world” (his words).

I know we’re not supposed to focus on externalities but I’m not sure if this counts as an externality. I really like this boy, but I also feel strongly about this issue. Is this a deal-breaker?

A Healthy Eater

Dear Confused,

Ilove this question in its own right and also for what it represents. If I’m reading it right, you’re asking a question about whether someone who values a healthy lifestyle can be married to someone who places little or no value on it. But you’re also asking the larger question of how/if we can reconcile differing values and when they become a deal-breaker.

The first issue is that of judgment. Do you look down on his affinity toward cholent? Do you see yourself as somehow superior because of your lifestyle choices? Judgment and love can’t coexist in the same moment. Yes, it’s true, we can be judgmental of someone we love, but in the moment that we’re judging them we are not in a place of love. So if you have many cumulative moments of judgment in the relationship, what will that do to the emotional fiber of the marriage?

We have to look at degree of philosophical allegiance. It sounds like you are committed to your lifestyle. How committed is he to his choices? You use the word “appreciate” in reference to meat boards. That is very different from, “it isn’t Shabbos without a charcuterie board.” Is it a part of who he is, or does he just eat that way because that’s the environment he’s in? Is he open to a healthier lifestyle if someone else does the work? There are so many gradations; where does he fall on this issue?

And finally, as you mentioned, is this a personal preference or has it become a philosophy? Because if you prefer salad but are willing to make cholent with kishke because that’s what he likes, then we have something to work with. But if eating healthily has become akin to a religious belief, then you might find yourself in a state of constant inner conflict. We can all agree that in marriage, when it comes to preferences, we will need to compromise. Sometimes we’ll do it your way, sometimes we’ll do it (the right way) my way. But if it’s a deeply held belief, you might feel like you’re giving away a little part of yourself each time, and the conflict can end up eating (no pun intended) away at you.