Miriam said she forgave me, but there was a layer of mistrust wedged between us that made me feel sick
O
ver the next few weeks, an interesting thing happened. Although I was in constant contact with Ahuva, I was suddenly feeling lonely. The sense of connection we’d developed started feeling less close and more forced.
I tried making sense of it. Ahuva hadn’t changed. She was sharing every detail of her life with me, too much even, to a point that often made me feel uncomfortable. And because I was feeling less comfortable, my instinct was to share less about what was happening in my own life. As a result, although we were spending many hours shmoozing, I still felt lonely.
Coming to this realization made me feel horrible — and guilty. Ahuva continued being the loyal friend she’d been before, but I… wasn’t. I was cautious. I picked and chose what and how much to share, which, I had to admit, began to cause a rift in our friendship. It started to feel dull.
It wasn’t really a conscious decision to share less. It was more of a natural development, something dictated by my gut. It was as though my psyche was resisting, fed up with my unhealthy social diet.
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