Counting Forward

Two centimeters wide

Three specialists’ opinions

Four chemo series

Five weeks of radiation

Six appointments with the oncologist

Seven with the radiologist

Eight hairs left on my head

Nine days of a monster radiation burn

Ten fingernails that are dry, discolored, cracked, and split

Except for a diet or two, I’ve never quit anything in my life. When the oncologist said he thought I shouldn’t continue with this part of the protocol because of the severe toxicity I was experiencing (upscale word for side effects), I was both surprised and (almost) relieved.

The meeting was on Zoom because I didn’t have the strength to walk, let alone make it to the doctor’s office to see him in person. I tried to figure out how I was going to get to the testing center for the bloodwork required before the next infusion, when I didn’t have the strength to crawl across a room, let alone get to the car and then the lab itself.

What he saw on his screen was a smiling me, sitting in front of the computer screen dressed in my holiday best, with carefully applied makeup and matching accessories to boot. That just proves that looks can be deceiving. What he didn’t quite see was the weakness I felt, the neuropathy in both my hands and my feet, or the intense anxiety in the pit in my stomach.