For those who didn’t grow up in the frum world (and even for those who did), the shidduch system can be a daunting maze, filled with obstacles and mirages. Here’s what you need to know before your children start dating.
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ou can’t believe that your child is ready for shidduchim. Not so long ago you were hoping to meet Mr. Right. And you did — at a Catskills hotel on Shabbos Nachamu or when you were both advisors at an NCSY event. Or maybe you didn’t meet until both of you made your way to Israel after college fell in love with Yiddishkeit and were set up through a shadchan. During the dating process your parents were largely on the sidelines only stepping in to plan the wedding.
Fast-forward 25 or 30 years. You and your husband are very different from the young couple who stood under the chuppah all those years ago. Over time you’ve grown in Yiddishkeit and now consider yourself “yeshivish” or “seriously frum.” You know that your children aren’t going to meet their future spouses the same way you met your husband. And you’ve figured out that parents play a starring role in shidduchim. But what exactly are you supposed to be doing? Since they likely don’t offer a crash course in shidduchim at your local shul consider this your mini survival guide.
Long before your child’s first date he needs to do some serious introspection. Does he have a clear idea of who he is and what he wants? What are his strengths? His goals? His interests and needs (in both ruchniyus and gashmiyus)? Where does he see himself in six months a year five years? Before he even thinks about what he wants in a spouse he should have these answers down pat.
These are questions you should consider asking yourself too. From your vantage point how would you best describe your son? You can help him articulate what kind of person he is — and what kind of girl would best suit him — by offering your own insights. That said you might prove even more invaluable by acting as a sounding board. Because although your son will integrate what he’s absorbed at home and in yeshivah it’s vital for him to look for answers deep within himself instead of creating a shidduch portfolio based on what his friends rebbeim and yes even parents think.
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