Crossing the Line

I know that marriage is supposed to be challenging. I read all the books and articles that warned that it takes hard work for husbands and wives to learn to get along,” says a woman. “I thought the emotional pain I felt was ‘normal.’ Only this past year, when my doctor asked me with concern and compassion if everything was okay at home, did I finally break down and realize this wasn’t normal.”

How does a person know whether their marriage is “normal”? It’s true that every marriage has its challenges, difficulties, disappointments and even heartache. Many people think that their own relationship is far worse than other people’s. Simply the fact that they’re hurting convinces them that their situation isn’t right. But when they learn from marriage experts that pain is part of the package, they try, try, and try again.

Usually, this is the right approach. It yields not only marital well-being, but also leads to tremendous personal growth. One who successfully learns to accept the foibles of one’s partner develops strength, compassion, patience, maturity, wisdom, and understanding.

When Things Aren’t Normal

But there are times when the person’s original suspicion is legitimate: They’re dealing with something that is, in fact, not normal. Their spouse’s behavior is completely unacceptable, dysfunctional, or otherwise beyond the pale. It might be abnormal in its frequency, intensity, or form of expression. For instance, it’s normal (though undesirable) for someone to lose their temper on occasion. Normal people will usually work on themselves to prevent even relatively rare outbursts, improving as the marriage goes along. But it’s not normal for a person to explode in rage several times a week or to have smaller fits of temper on a daily basis, and it’s certainly not normal for them to be unwilling or unable to do anything about it. It’s not normal to smash walls, throw objects, trash a room, or shout obscenities; it’s not normal to be physically threatening.