Dear Little Sister

From experience, I know that time heals, but I can’t say it will heal me completely

Dear Little Sister,

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ou’ve probably been confused by my erratic behavior since your baby was born. I want you to know that you didn’t do or say anything to make me act this way. I still love you, very much. But it’s hard — very, very HARD.

I’m not mad at you for having a baby. I’m not upset that you made an insensitive comment — because you didn’t. I’m not angry at you at all. I’m just having a very hard time emotionally with this whole situation.

Even though this wasn’t my first miscarriage, and it was relatively early, my emotions are still a wreck. Apparently, this is a normal hormonal reaction, no matter what you’re usually like or how many miscarriages you’ve already had. A chashuve rebbetzin who has nine children and had nine miscarriages told me that she went through this all nine times.

Baruch Hashem you’re lucky enough not to understand this — and I hope you never will. But let me try to explain how I feel. My mind wants to think one thing, but my emotions don’t allow me to. For example, my mind knows that I didn’t lose a child; in actual fact, that child was never meant to be, and I brought a special neshamah into This World for its given time. But my emotions still throw me into a fit of tears and have me asking “Why?”