The true tests are not when ideals are pitting against fleeting desires. It’s when ideals are pitted against ideals
In high school, life decisions are often portrayed in black and white terms. You go out with a solid ben Torah but he doesn’t have the sense of humor you always wanted in a spouse. You want your husband to learn full-time, but also want a diamond bracelet for your anniversary. You want to live in a growth-oriented community, but the one you find is a hundred miles from a decent pizza shop.
“What’s really important?” your teacher asked passionately. “Is it not worth giving up these transient things so you can have a life of eternal meaning?” And you nodded vigorously as you took copious notes. Of course you’ll give up on the trivialities of life so you could merit eternity. When you need a good laugh, you’ll call your humorous friend. Forget the diamond bracelet; costume jewelry is just fine. And pizza? Why, you’ll make your own. Never will you allow such shallow considerations to cloud your judgment and muddle your choices.
But it’s not quite so straightforward. In Gateshead seminary, one of my rabbanim clued us in to the nature of truly wrenching life decisions. We were learning about the mussar giants, and he taught us about the extreme asceticism of the Novordokers. Some of them would leave their families for week, even months, and go into self-imposed exiles to perfect themselves. “But what about their wives and children?” one girl asked. “Is leaving one’s family for so long the way to attain perfection?”
“In life,” the rav responded, “the true tests are not when ideals are pitting against fleeting desires. It’s when ideals are pitted against ideals. Yes, it’s an ideal to be an involved father and husband. And it’s also an ideal for some exceptional individuals to go into exile to attain self-perfection. Balancing those ideals — or any ideals that clash — requires the input of a rav, and extreme honesty.”
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