"Making sure that we are not involved in abusive relationships is critical. Letting that fear color all of our decisions is debilitating"
As I read the continuing conversation about Dream On and setting boundaries, I thought of a book called The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, wherein the author describes modern Western child rearing as over-pampering and coddling, fostering unresilient children and cultivating a self-centered generation. I am concerned that such child-rearing trends will naturally produce adults constantly concerned with protecting their own boundaries, making sure that no one else’s needs are ever infringing on their own “needs” (read: desires, entitlements, etc.).
The author of the article suggests questioning one’s own motives for giving frequently and much. Let’s also try to question the motives of those in a new generation who use the new buzzword — “boundaries.” (We are not talking about people who are in abusive relationships.)
Why do I have to rationalize my need to engage in “self-care” at a time when someone else needs something? If I can do something to ease someone’s pain or provide assistance for someone in need, why am I choosing to sit back rather than performing the chesed — even if I have already done a chesed this week — under the guise of protecting my boundaries? As long as our own needs — needs (enough sleep and proper nutrition) — are met and I am not neglecting my family’s basic needs, why am I really choosing not to help?
I shudder to think what a generation of Jews who do not push themselves beyond their limits looks like. The Torah calls upon us to constantly push beyond so many of our natural limits. Perhaps pushing one’s self to get out of bed before zeman Krias Shema is intruding on a man’s boundaries; after all, sleep is a basic need. Judaism is all about pushing beyond our limits. Imagine what Megillas Rus would look like if someone had counseled Rus to protect her boundaries! “Rivkah, there is an able-bodied man standing here, offer him your pitcher and let him draw his own water!” Or, “Rus, you have a life here, with all of your familiar surroundings and comforts — this old unfortunate woman will fend for herself. Leaving your life for her and demeaning yourself to collect fallen sheaves of wheat for her demonstrates a lack of boundaries.”
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