A safe person holds what we share without judgment
Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW
Did you ever think about what it is that makes you comfortable confiding in some people and has you avoiding closeness with others? Your instinctive response might be that you trust some people — you know your secret is safe with them. And while that trust is imperative, safety actually runs much deeper than that.
A safe person holds what we share without judgment. They deeply understand what we’re trying to convey, and when they don’t, they ask questions from a place of curiosity, also without judgment. They see us as a whole being with various parts, one of which may be wounded and in need of extra love and care, as opposed to seeing us as damaged. They don’t try to fix, because fixing someone comes from relating to their brokenness. They love instead, because love relates to someone’s wholeness.
Some people are instinctively good at this. They often live in a place of compassion for their own humanity and are therefore able to relate to others with compassion. They forgive themselves for their humanity and can therefore forgive others as well. They understand that perfection is for Hashem, not for humans. These people invite confidence by their very presence.
For others, this is a skill that can be learned. It requires switching from a fixing mindset to an accepting mindset. The first step is to release the assumption that we know best what another person needs. It presupposes that every person possesses an inner wisdom about what he needs, which can best be accessed when the person feels safe and has the internal calm to tap into their intuition. It requires openness and a willingness to step into someone else’s world and to understand it from their vantage point.
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