I often grapple with people advising me to just give in to her all the time. But I feel that it’s important to set expectations and boundaries for her, just as I do for all my children.
I was intrigued by the career question sent to Shaina Keren about the woman who realized that her full-time job was probably what was keeping her husband from being more career driven since he took over more responsibility at home.
I enjoyed Shaina’s answer, particularly the wisdom about “staying in your own lane,” and waiting to see what opens up for her in the space previously held by resentment. But I wonder if she was just dancing around the real issue at hand — the conundrum of the modern frum woman, the choices we have between our marriage, children, and self-actualization, and realizing, ultimately, that with every choice we make, we win some and lose some.
This woman has correctly realized that if she wants her husband to become more career driven, she will need to either give up hours of her own job or perhaps give up on some of her parenting goals so that both she and her husband can devote more time to work. It’s true that if she decides to take over those hours her husband is doing child care, there is no guarantee he will fill them with advancing his career; but she will at least be doing her part by giving him that time back.
One thing to consider is that there are ways to make motherhood — specifically being home with children — more fulfilling. Ironically, our frum lifestyles — between supporting a husband in kollel, and the costs of frum living — are making women feel like the place of fulfillment is at work.
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