Is Who I Seem to Be Who I Want to Be?

This question is kind of awkward, but I’m really confused and don’t feel comfortable discussing this with my rebbi or my parents. I’m what you would describe as “a really good boy.” I go to

minyan every day, I take my learning seriously, I’m careful about what I see and hear, etc. Or, at least, I used to do all that.

During coronavirus, I experienced a serious yeridah. I actually enjoyed being able to sleep late and daven when I wanted to and at my own pace. There was something liberating about not being tied down to a minyan. And while I continued to learn, over time, I lost some of my cheshek. Unfortunately, over the months of lockdown, I was exposed to movies. Nothing awful, but much more than I ever allowed myself to watch.

Baruch Hashem, in my town the lockdown didn’t last as long as other places, and I went back to yeshivah. I slipped back into my routine relatively quickly, but something had shifted inside. I no longer know if I’m the person I used to be.