Loving Each Other

We know that when people don’t get along, Hashem isn’t pleased. We learned this lesson when 24,000 students of Rabi Akiva succumbed to a plague because of the lack of love and respect they’d shown each other. Lag B’omer brought an end to the tragedy and an opportunity to start fresh. Perhaps we can help bring an end to our plague as well by doing teshuvah in the realm of love and respect.

Missing the Forest for the Trees

Apparently Rabi Akiva’s students believed they were showing each other love as they fought over the interpretations of their rebbi’s teachings. Each wanted to convince the other of his view so that the other would benefit from the truth. While it’s meritorious to help others improve, it’s not right to provide this help in ways that make the recipient feel disrespected or unloved. This is an essential concept to apply within our homes.

Families have been spending more time with each other lately and are therefore finding more opportunities to “educate” each other. Spouses are eagerly trying to help their partners improve in plenty of ways. However, they’re frequently using the fast-but-ineffective-and-simultaneously-harmful technique called “criticism.” Criticism consists of pointing out what someone is doing wrong. “Constructive criticism” is normal, meant-to-be-helpful criticism, the kind many couples dole out to each other constantly. Abusive criticism isn’t correction at all, but rather a communication meant as a put-down, an insult specifically geared to causing pain.

Constructive criticism occurs commonly and innocently between partners in conversations about how much salt to add to the stew, how to best clean the kitchen counter, or how to choose the right foods to eat. The latter type typically occurs in all-out fights when one or both partners are emotionally dysregulated and unable to communicate in healthier ways. Both are harmful to relationships, eating away at feelings of love and respect. We need to find better ways of helping each other, and our children, improve. We need ways that convey love and respect.