Mommy Is Sad

Parents are constantly educating children about the world of emotions. They do this both intentionally and incidentally. Intentional emotional education occurs when parents learn a skill like “Emotional Coaching.” By reading a book or taking a course the parent learns how to name a child’s feelings as those feelings occur in everyday circumstances.

Emotional Coaching builds a “feeling words” vocabulary that helps the child fit the right label to his or her emotion thereby helping to shrink and/or release that emotion. When Mommy sees Junior’s anger she helps him discover its nuances by calling it “frustration” “irritation ” or “impatience.” She names it without judgment or condemnation. Through her dispassionate labeling she helps the child come to accept his own emotions no matter what they are. This acceptance leads to quick release meaning that the child has an effective tool for rapid self-soothing. He becomes calmer and more emotionally mature. As the latest research shows he experiences social physical and intellectual benefits from his newfound emotional intelligence.

Only Happy or Mad?

However children also learn about emotions through the parental model. How do Mother and Father express their emotions? As always the parental model has tremendous impact on the developing child. Does Father cry when he is sad? Or does he have only two states — neutral and mad? Does Mother speak about how she feels? Or does she only show it through her worried facial expression and hunched shoulders? Do the parents talk about their reactions to life’s experiences in terms of their thoughts and their feelings? Do they openly show their fear disappointment delight and confusion? Or are they careful to only display positive emotions keeping negative feelings tightly under wraps?

When parents show the full range of human feelings to their children children gain a greater comfort with their own emotions. Feelings become less dangerous as they become more familiar. On the other hand if only rage or happiness are acceptable to show within the house then children will often learn to shut off the fuller reality of their own inner experience. They simply fail to learn how to experience and express the rainbow of emotions that Hashem has planted within us to guide us on our journeys.