“My Kids Hate When I Validate”

Q:

I’ve listened to and read many parenting ideas. One concept I’ve come across a number of times, including in your books and webinars, is the idea of validating and empathizing a child’s feelings by naming them. For example, saying, “You really wanted to go to the park. It’s so disappointing that it’s raining.” Or, “You’re so angry that you can’t have such and such!”

Unfortunately, when I try to do this, my kids hate it! They tell me to stop talking like that, it’s so annoying, and other similar sentiments. I try to match my tone/expression to theirs so I don’t sound patronizing. What am I doing wrong? Or does this just not work for all kids?

A:

This is a common dilemma. None of us wants to be patronized, and this is especially true when we are struggling emotionally. Imagine trying to tell your spouse what a difficult time you’ve been having with the baby that day and the reply you get back feels contrived. Now it feels like your concern is not only not being properly addressed but it’s actually being trivialized. Consider this offending dialogue for example:

You: “…and she just cried and cried and nothing I did calmed her down but we had to leave for carpool — it was late already — and I finally got everyone in the car, which was really hard with her screaming in my ear the whole time, and I’m buckling her in when she vomits all over her seat…”