No Further Questions: The Conversation Continues

Committed to Questions

Name Withheld

Having married off several children and currently in the parshah with another, I take very strong exception to Rabbi Efrem Goldberg’s article, which alleged that too many inquiries are being made before allowing couples to date.
While I agree wholeheartedly that references should not be asked about medical issues, it is perfectly fair to pose those questions to the parents. Of course, I understand the need to give those with medical issues a fair shot in the dating pool, but I am going to venture a guess that Rabbi Goldberg has never been on the other side of the equation — having his child become emotionally involved in a promising relationship only to have it blow up when they find out about a previously undisclosed issue.
I have. More than once.
It is devastating to see your child heartbroken when they realize that they have to end a relationship with someone they thought was “the one” when a significant health issue was finally disclosed. (And yes, we did ask about health issues before agreeing to the shidduch and were reassured that there weren’t any.) Adding insult to injury, my son had to take the fall for the shidduch’s sudden and unexpected end on both occasions in order to protect the other side’s confidentiality, making him look bad in front of the shadchan who will likely never redt him another shidduch again. Support from friends, relatives, and others to get them through what is most certainly a trying time? That can’t happen when the real reason for the relationship’s abrupt end has to be kept secret to protect the other side’s privacy.
May Rabbi Goldberg never go through this painful and heart-wrenching experience with his children and may all of our singles find their basherts smoothly, easily, and painlessly. Meanwhile, I am going to keep asking my questions, not because I want to, but because I have learned that I have to.

Who Needs Impeccable?

M.G.

When our children entered shidduchim, I was “educated” about how résumés work by being told to focus on gaps and read between the lines for potential problems. When I asked simple questions such as, “What if they just needed more time or something came up (like real life) that changed their plans?” I was countered with: “What do you want to do, change the system?”
As parents, haven’t we been taught to focus on the unique greatness and potential for every person? Having grit and being positive are character traits that are much more useful in marriage than being “impeccable,” as a candidate was once described to me by a reference, with a sniff. Nothing shut down my interest more.

Convoluted Process

A Frustrated Rebbetzin

As a rebbetzin who is not an official shadchan but tries to help set people up, I often comment on how these days I will have the same excited reaction when a couple agrees to go on a first date as I used to when a couple got engaged. With the extensive research and the amount of steps it takes these days to simply go out on a date, it’s a miracle anyone is getting married.
Unfortunately, as a result, it is becoming increasingly disheartening to put the time and effort into making shidduchim when the result is often a dead end. What a shame if people like myself will stop trying to set up singles because of all this unnecessary frustration.
I also wonder at which point did we start taking these decisions out of our single boys’ and girls’ hands and began to micromanage their entire dating parshah. Aren’t they the ones who will be getting married? Shouldn’t they be making these determinations, without all the adults in their lives — be it their parents, shadchanim, rebbeim, or dating coaches strongly weighing in and influencing them in different directions?
What are we doing to our youngsters when we don’t allow them to choose who they want to even go out with on a date?
I hope we can come up with the necessary solutions to help our children find their voices, empower them to make their own good decisions, and to be able to set up more first dates.

We Need Trust

Ruthie Teverovskiy

Rabbi Efrem Goldberg brought up some very good points, but I found myself thinking, “But still! What are we supposed to do when we are being set up with random people?” After much thought, I came to the conclusion that we are lacking trust. Trust in the system, trust in the people who set us up, and trust in the people we date.
If we take a deep breath, trust that Hashem will bring everyone’s proper zivugim, and not panic to get married ASAP, we will hopefully be less inclined to sugarcoat everything.
I was in shidduchim for a while and was accustomed to the classic phone calls where you dig as deep as possible, because you truly have no idea who the other person is. When my husband was redt to me, however, the shadchan (a non-professional) told me straight up: “I am going to tell you everything I know about him because there is no sense in faking things. If you think this is a good idea, then go out with him. If not, then it’s not worth his time or your time to date.”
I had so much more menuchas hanefesh when I looked into and dated my husband because I knew he was not hiding anything, and I knew that the shadchan wanted us to end up happy and not just married for the sake of marriage. I implore everyone to be a little more open and honest. Then we can rebuild trust in the system and have more menuchas hanefesh and happiness.