Pardon Me

Prepared for print by Faigy Peritzman

My husband used to work for his uncle, and unfortunately, they parted under less-than- pleasant circumstances. Soon after, his uncle passed away from a heart attack, and we were unable to attend the funeral. My husband would like to ask mechilah, but as the kevurah was in Eretz Yisrael, it’s not so simple. What can he do?

Halachah permits appointing a representative to seek mechilah for you. The shaliach should assemble ten people at your uncle’s gravesite and request forgiveness on your husband’s behalf.

I have a friend who is very sensitive and gets insulted easily. When Elul comes around, I like to ask her for mechilah for anything I inadvertently did, but I know that will become another whole issue as she’ll rehash everything she was upset about. Am I still required to ask her despite this unpleasantness?

Ask her for mechilah only if you are certain that you caused real harm. You have no obligation to deal with irrational or obsessively difficult individuals, and certainly not if approaching her will result in making things worse between the two of you. Instead, send her an email expressing your friendship and concern and wish her a good year.

My mother was emotionally abusive to all of us as I grew up, and with the guidance of a distinguished rav who is considered a worldwide expert in these matters, we’ve been instructed to undertake the drastic step of severing all contact with her. Do we need to ask her for mechilah?

No. You have no reason to ask forgiveness from anyone who deliberately abused you in any way, emotionally, mentally, or physically, even if you defended yourself from the abuse by being less than respectful or by severing contact with her, as you were instructed by daas Torah. If anything, she needs to ask you for mechilah! [This ruling should not be taken as a carte blanche for children to claim abuse and sever ties from parents. Each and every case is different and requires careful consideration and guidance.]

What does the Torah expect from me when someone who really hurt me comes before Yom Kippur and asks for my forgiveness?

When someone who has hurt you in the past now seeks your forgiveness, you must let go of your angry feelings and do the best you can to forgive that person. You must do this not only so that the petitioner can atone on Yom Kippur, but also for your own benefit. The following reasons are given: 1) As children of Avraham Avinu, we are expected to learn from him and follow his example when he graciously forgave Avimelech for abducting Sarah. Anyone who conducts himself differently is, in the words of the Rambam, cruel and akin to the hard-hearted non-Jews. 2) Hashem deals with us in the same manner that we deal with others; if you pardon others for what was done to you, including acts done intentionally or spitefully, then Hashem will forgive you for any sins committed against Him, including those sins done intentionally or spitefully. 3) One who allows hatred toward another person to remain in his heart blocks his prayers from reaching Heaven.