Pay Her Way: Readers join the conversation

Last Week:

“Last thing I’m buying her for the summer, and everything else, Shira is going to be earning herself. Right, Shiri?” Chana Singer calls over her shoulder.

Shira nods, smiling. “Thanks, Ma! Yeah, I’d much rather pay for Walmart baseball caps than a Fuchsia dress.”

I’m no longer laughing. I look at Ahuva, who is determinedly looking anywhere else but at me.

The only 17-year-old in history, using her money for camp, huh?

I pay for the clothes, and we drive home in silence. When we pull into the driveway, Ahuva gets out and walks inside slowly, the Fuchsia bag swinging from her hand. I’m left wondering if I made a huge mistake. And if I did, where did I go wrong?

Shloimy’s very against working for money. My kids have my father on speed dial…. Yes, her jobs were cutting into my needs and her dramatic reaction to my idea was annoying to live with, but did I rob her of a very important lesson? Or is my daughter really right, and it’s Chana Singer who’s the anomaly?

I lay my head on the steering wheel, moaning softly. How do I fix this?

Cave Woman
M. Landau, Far Rockaway

The key to raising healthy children is consistency.

I’m sorry, but Gayil is being anything but. She’s suddenly annoyed that her daughter lives a luxurious life, and she wants to make her pay for it, and she told her that she needs to earn her own spending money. But then she acted inconsistently by backing down on making her daughter earn the money.

No good will come from caving.

Pick Three, Any Three…

Rivka S., Los Angeles

I don’t think Gayil can renege on the matching offer, but she — and her husband — should sit down with Ahuva and discuss this. Talk about how she saw that this needed restructuring, and come up with a plan for the future. Make it clear that her offer to match what she earned was a one-off because she’s been working so hard.

I’d say to start by picking three things she will be responsible to pay for herself. They should also discuss which household chores/carpools/errands, etc., they need her to take care of, and ask her to tell them realistically how many jobs a week she can handle without it drastically taking over her life. For example, let’s say Ahuva and her parents make up that she’ll take two babysitting jobs a week, buy her own iced coffees and takeout, and be available to do carpool and Thursday night shopping. Then explain that she needs to discuss if something doesn’t seem to be working or if she needs more spending money for something that she doesn’t have, so together they can all readjust the plan and expectations. This might also be a good time to talk about her saving some of the money she’s earning, as well as a good system for her to keep track of her maaser.