If someone fears negative consequences, they may tweak their communication to avoid an unpleasant outcome
Healthy adult communication is the open, respectful, and honest exchange of thoughts and feelings. To facilitate this, the environment needs to be one where both parties feel safe communicating without fear of negative consequences, in the form of judgment, manipulation, or backlash.
If someone fears negative consequences, they may tweak their communication to avoid an unpleasant outcome. For example, Leah shares her frustration with her friend Rochel over the mounds of dishes she washed over Shabbos. If Rochel makes a disparaging face (a form of judgment), Leah might feel misunderstood, invalidated, guilty, ashamed, or resentful. If this becomes a pattern in which Leah tries to communicate her feelings and Rochel responds with eye rolls, unwanted advice, subtle put-downs, or outright criticism, Leah will stop feeling safe to share her true feelings.
As a result, Leah will adjust how she expresses herself. She might disparage herself, saying how ridiculous she is for complaining because it’s a brachah to have a large family; or she might mention the dishes casually, pretending not to mind; or she might even express gratitude for having so many dishes to wash. Alternatively, she might ease into the conversation, testing the waters before sharing her true feelings.
Leah may not even realize she’s doing this, but because she doesn’t feel safe sharing her thoughts and feelings openly and honestly, there is essentially no real relationship. At best, there’s a bond of social convention or convenience; at worst, an unhealthy system is at play.
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