Seeing Color

I’d just gotten home from spending two months in a bungalow upstate with my five children, who ranged in age between one and seven. The country had been peaceful, but with my husband coming up only for Shabbos, I’d been busy with my kids nonstop, and lonely without him. I also didn’t have a social outlet because none of the women in the bungalow colony were my age.

Instead of coming home recharged, I felt depleted. And now I had to find a way to stay sane during those hectic weeks between camp ending and school starting. Between nursing the baby, washing dishes, changing diapers, breaking up fights, reading books, folding laundry, and preparing breakfast, second breakfast, snack, lunch, second lunch, snack, and supper… there wasn’t a second to breathe. I was in survival mode, waiting anxiously for each day to end so I could put the kids to bed and have some time to myself.

My husband had just switched from full-time kollel learning to learning half-day and working half-day, and we didn’t have enough money yet to afford the luxury of cleaning help. So on top of keeping my kids fed, entertained, and equipped for the coming school year, I walked around the house with a broom all day sweeping up crumbs, just to create some semblance of cleanliness.

Day after day, I tried my best to stay calm and attentive, to keep it all together. Until eventually… I lost it.