Mindscape
Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT
How to work on your relationship when your spouse refuses therapy:
It can be very upsetting when there are issues in your marriage, and your spouse isn’t willing to work on them together with a professional. However, in many cases there is a lot you can do to create a healthier relationship. We have more agency in our relationships than we realize; it’s true one person can’t save a relationship, but one person can make changes that greatly improve it. Relationships are systems, so when one person makes even small changes, the entire relationship is impacted.
Here are some ideas that can be helpful for spouses looking to take that first step.
- Share your feelings. Tell your spouse when you’re upset instead of stuffing down your feelings. Don’t let things build and create a huge mound of old wounds. Remember, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” Letting hurt fester, whether from childhood or in marriage, can lead to hysteria when the issue is finally brought forth.
- Do your own work. Speaking of childhood… When your spouse’s actions trigger you, consider if you’re reacting only to something your spouse did, or perhaps also to something someone did in the past. Your spouse is only responsible for his or her actions; you’re responsible for healing old wounds and patterns that get activated.
- Say you’re sorry. When we stop being defensive and denying the impact of our words and actions, usually so much of the battle is won. When we face our partner, take accountability, and sincerely apologize for our role, we will usually see our spouse calming down. When people feel that they or their emotions aren’t being felt or heard, that causes reactivity. When we allow them to feel heard, their heated feelings dissipate, similar to a balloon deflating slowly.
- Learn how to regulate yourself. If you’re the one becoming reactive, learn to recognize when you’re dysregulated and strengthen the skills you need to calm your nervous system. When we’re dysregulated we aren’t able to have productive conversations, because our bodies are in fight, flight, or freeze mode. Survival mode doesn’t allow us to easily engage in thoughtful conversation and connection.
- Let go of control and criticism. It’s hard not to criticize when we think our way is better — but remember, your spouse isn’t supposed to be a carbon copy of you. It’s also important to accept your spouse’s help — even if it’s imperfect — because it allows for a culture of giving and appreciation.
Jargon Decoded
What is “smoke screening”? A smoke screen refers to the attempt to control the general direction of another’s thoughts in an effort to prevent someone from thinking about a particular subject altogether. For example, Aaron is 30 minutes late for the date he and his wife Chaya have planned. When she asks where he is, instead of taking responsibility, Aaron goes on an unrelated tirade about how stressful work is, how bad traffic is, and who are they having for Shabbos. This tactic can be used by anyone, but is usually employed by narcissists as part of their gaslighting strategies.
