Sibling Off the Derech 

As told to Dina Cohen

I’m from a small, out-of-town community, where my father was the shul rav. I’m the second of 12, and two of my siblings, my older brother and youngest sister, went off the derech in their teens.

My brother was always a tough kid, hyperactive and obstinate, and my parents found it very difficult to raise him, so his defection wasn’t a surprise. My parents assumed his teenage years would be challenging, though definitely not to that extent.

There was no framework in our small community for off-the-derech children, so my father took my brother to New York. He stayed there for two years before returning, still not frum, but at least more stable.

There was a lot of pressure on my family when my brother went off, because as the rav, my family was in the public eye. Truth be told, that had always been an issue. My parents are baalei teshuvah and had a bit of a complex about fitting in. Combined with the fact we were under constant scrutiny as “the Rabbi’s family,” my parents were hypervigilant, expecting we’d always be well-behaved, and they became hysterical when we acted like regular children, fighting or being chutzpahdig.