“Support My Husband or Stand Up for My Kids?”  

Q

I often find myself in a quandary regarding my tafkid as both a wife and a mother, feeling like I’m forced to choose between one or the other. My husband is a big believer in tough love. It’s how he was raised. He’s not abusive, but he’s definitely harsh in the way he’s mechanech our kids and even disparaging at times. I cringe when he sometimes raises his voice or speaks more harshly than I would like. I’ve tried to speak with my husband privately, but he feels this is proper behavior of a father to his children. Is it my job to defend my children when they are being hurt by their father, or is it my job to present a united front and stand with my husband?

1

WE play many roles in life. When these roles conflict, like that of wife and mother, it can be challenging.

You mention that your husband isn’t abusive, but you often cringe at the way he speaks to your children. Determining whether or not his interactions are verbal or emotional abuse is beyond the scope of this column, and it’s essential to consult with a therapist and a rav.

Let’s assume this is a case of conflicting parenting styles, a quandary that’s true in many homes. A mother and father have different personalities, different life experiences, and different styles based on their families of origin. The merging of these two styles in so many areas is part of the challenge of marriage.

The Torah shows us it’s expected that parents will parent differently.