“Teshuvah Overwhelms Me” 

Q:

When Elul comes, I find myself frozen into inaction. Just thinking about teshuvah overwhelms me, let alone actually doing teshuvah. I know I’ve done countless things wrong over this past year, but when I try to focus on a single one, or to make a kabbalah not to do it again, I get stymied. I don’t remember everything I did. And taking on a small kabbalah doesn’t seem significant enough to prove I’m sorry for everything I did.

I know the purpose of teshuvah is to want to change and become better, but that semes like a cop-out: Please, Hashem, believe me when I say I want to be a good person. Obviously, I do. But I still can’t come up with the right first step in that direction.

Stumbling Baby Steps

Shevi Samet

Thank you for your most relatable question. What you express is a sentiment shared by so many. Is my teshuvah meaningful if it’s imperfect, and from where do I orient myself in this process? I’ll start with something you mention in your question — your desire. That is no small thing. You presume that every person wants to be better, and it’s true that retzoneinu la’asos retzoncha, but not everyone recognizes or expresses this desire. Your ratzon is the root and the goal of teshuvah and it’s an important factor, not something to be taken for granted.

Teshuvah is far more than a one-time event. It’s an ongoing process that we’re encouraged to engage in throughout the entire year. While the month of Elul provides a focused period for reflection and self-improvement, the work of teshuvah doesn’t get packed away like a menorah after Chanukah. It requires a continuous commitment to self-betterment.

One of the key aspects of teshuvah is the understanding that even small progress is meaningful. Sometimes, we might feel that our steps forward are tiny, but every bit of movement counts. It’s not an all-or-nothing endeavor and the key is a consistent desire (there’s that ratzon again) to do and be better. Just as a plant grows gradually, our personal growth through teshuvah is a steady, ongoing journey. We can’t see the plant growing, but we can recognize in retrospect how it has grown.

People will often encourage “baby steps” in this context, and I want to highlight one often overlooked truth. We tend to imagine baby steps as neat and orderly, just closer together and slower. In reality, they’re messy and unstable and nonlinear. Just like a baby learning to walk, we stumble, we fall, and we get back up again. The beauty of teshuvah lies in this imperfect, yet persistent, effort. Every small step forward is a victory, and the journey, with all its messiness, is what leads to true growth.