The Burden

We’re duped right from the beginning of the parenting journey. At that point, our child is so very tiny and helpless, so dependent on us for survival, we get the impression right then and there that we’re responsible for that little person’s life and well-being forever. Although it’s true at that point, and for some years afterward, even then, right at the very beginning, it’s not all up to us.

We participate, but Hashem holds the veto power, and channels and filters our participation according to His own plans. We know this because, despite our best care, “things happen” to our babies. Despite everything we do to create security, abundance, health, enrichment, and every other form of input and opportunity, Hashem can take a child down a completely different road. It was an illusion, based on the look of things right there at the beginning, that we’re actually “in charge of” our child’s journey, and in charge of it for a lifetime.

“My thirty-five-year-old divorced son lives with us now,” says one mother. “He’s been very depressed since the breakup. He blames my husband and me for the whole mess, telling us it’s because we never bought them the house they needed, and we made his wife miserable. We weren’t warm enough to her, didn’t do enough for her and so on. The truth is that we still had so many kids living at home when he got married. I was busy with everyone and I didn’t have the time or money to do what he needed. But I feel that he’s right. Things could have been different if we had been able to help them out more. I feel so guilty when I see how much pain he’s in.”

Really? You’re responsible for your adult son’s bad marriage? Adults are on their own journey with Hashem. They make their own choices in their “choose your own ending” novels. Sure they make mistakes (so do we), but this is all part of the fun. Nobody is living our life for us, and we’re not living anyone else’s life for them! Simple as this sounds in theory, however, it can be extremely difficult to put in practice.