I
promised myself I would start after Pesach. But after a Shavuos filled with cheesecake, baked ziti, and blintzes, I’m back at square one. It’s time for me to lose weight. Summer is about to begin, but my body feels like it’s in the middle of winter zeman. No need to panic, though. Jews are great at two things: gaining weight and talking about losing weight. So, if you’re looking for an announcement to your friends and family as a verbal commitment to lose weight, you can use these Top 5 Ways Jews Try to Lose Weight. If these don’t work before the summer, you can always try announcing again before Rosh Hashanah.
NO CHALLAH
“You know what,” Tatty solemnly says to those seated around the Shabbos table as if he’s about to announce that he’s going to be joining a paratrooper’s mission, “I’m not going to have so much challah.” After taking a nibble after hamotzi, Tatty now looks triumphantly at those around the table as they slather their individual rolls — sometimes two — with dips. And now, if he manages to get through the entire meal without succumbing to that fluffy carb temptress, Tatty can leave the table a prizefighter leaving the ring after a win. Nothing gives Jews the feeling like they’ve begun a serious 5 a.m. workout routine like skipping challah for one meal — it’s the “Eight-Minute Abs” of the Jewish community. One meal without challah and we’re already gently feeling our bellies trying to guestimate if we’ve just lost ten or fifteen pounds. And if you can keep this up for a second meal in a row there is only one sensible way to reward yourself — delicious fluffy challah.
DIET COKE ON SHABBOS
Growing up, many families I knew had something called “Shabbos Soda.” Shabbos Soda, of course, was the same as regular soda, but in these homes, soda was a controlled substance only to be imbibed as a special treat on Shabbos. I personally didn’t grow up in such a home. (True story: In eighth grade I used to bring a two-liter bottle of Coke to school for lunch — I had minor behavioral issues.) I always found the homes that saved soda exclusively for Shabbos had awful beverage options during the week, like tap water or orange juice with pulp. But our communal relationship with soda is more than just a Shabbos snack, it’s also the way we demonstrate our commitment to healthy eating. Just finished a bowl filled with kugel, cholent, and kishke? Wash it down with a Diet Coke. And if someone offers you a regular Coke, be sure to scowl, “You trying to fatten me up here?!” — as your Shabbos shirt buttons hang on for dear life following the 10K Kishke marathon you just finished. Communally it seems we’ve convinced ourselves that the chemicals in Diet Coke counteract the Crock-Pot full of cholent we just ingested. And that’s fine with me. I drink so much Coke throughout the week that I think the chemicals have allowed me to embrace my Diet Coke delusion.
WALKING TO SHUL
Sunday morning on the way to shul. About to leave the house. Grab the keys off the counter. Then, a pause. The grip on the keys loosen. Eyes slowly look into the distance. The moment has come. The vision is clear. You don sweatbands for your head and wrists in slow motion and generously apply black grease under your eyes as you announce to the world: “I’m going to walk to shul!” Never mind that when you drive, the closest your can park is about 50 feet from your front door, the decision to walk to shul should be shared with the same gravitas and muscular superiority as running a full 26K marathon. In fact, since I’ve never had the courage or stamina to participate in actual marathons, I started a GoFundMe campaign where you can sponsor my walks. All proceeds go to kishke.
