Travel Travails

Y

ou’ve seen them around. They seem like a pleasant enough couple — at first. (Cue the deep alternating bass notes — Bah-BUM! Bah- BUM! — that would accompany a shark approaching his prey.) This couple will corner any unsuspecting fool and ask an innocuous-sounding question like, “Going anywhere this summer?” or “Have you ever been to fill-in-the-blank?” (Suggested inserts: Endless Acre Park; the Swiss Gevaldheim; Sweeny, North Carolina).

If you’re that fool, back away slowly and then run for the hills. Don’t worry about being polite. Suddenly remember your emergency dental checkup. If there is nowhere to run (say, in an elevator), start speaking a foreign language. Preferably a made-up language, because these people have Google Translate and they’re not afraid to use it.

Should you answer them, smile, or give any kind of encouragement to the Travel Meivinim, you’re done. The Meivinim then acquire a gleam in their eyes and begin to prattle on and on about the best motels, supermarkets, and gas stations in a particular vicinity. They’ll regale you with totally unamusing stories and tedious anecdotes. Prepare to nod and smile a lot. Every once in a while, one of them will stop and speak in an aside with his/her spouse, while you’re expected to stand there looking captivated.

“Honey, where was that amazing dollar store with the cute little whatchamacallits that we… Ha! Ha! Ha! The Grossmans would really get a kick out of…” While they melt down in hysterics, you, the victim, may be able to escape their notice and flee.