Ups and Downs

Not in the sense that I wasted my life, because I look at Ayelet and Eliana and Davidi, and I know that the very fabric of their existence is interwoven with our chromosomes — mine and Shmuli’s.

But if I’m going to be honest, I have to confess that there is so much more I’d like to create.

Even after seeing my grandchildren, clinging to continuity with their bright eyes and pinchable cheeks, I know that I’d already given everything that I am and all I could possibly be to my husband and kids. And yet there’s still so much more I could be.

I used to think that all I wanted to be was Shmuli’s wife. I was naïve, and I know that now, but when you’re twenty-one and you walk into a marriage, you’re so young, and you don’t know nearly as much as you think you do. Shmuli thought I was mature; I knew I was just idealistic. We created this home of faux china and chicken for two. As I poured sauce over the chicken and plated it next to a large bouquet of wild roses, waiting for him to come back from learning, I knew that I had everything. Already.