“They don’t view me as a flawed person, yet they see my weight as a flaw. It’s a paradox, but it’s true— and it’s just as hurtful as the nasty comments”
I can’t possibly write a letter in response to Miriam (Pascal) Cohen’s piece, “We Have a Weight Problem” without expressing my hakaras hatov to Miriam for using her voice to open up a healthy discussion about the way we talk to (or about) one another about each other’s bodies. Thank you for highlighting the scope of this problem in a way that demonizes no one and encourages us all to strive to improve our speech and kavod habriyos.
I also want to elaborate on a point that the author makes regarding the hurtful comments from loved ones. Most of my friends and family are circumspect (read: passive-aggressive) and would never make any comments about my weight; in fact, they usually cringe or demur when I make comments on it. Sometimes, though, the silence is just as bad as or even worse than the comments.
A timely example of what I mean: I read Miriam (Pascal) Cohen’s article Friday night. Shabbos day, I was telling friends about a singles’ event I had recently been to. The entire experience had been not for me, and my automatic takeaway was that I wouldn’t follow up about any of the guys with the shadchanim. However, there was one young man present who had displayed a surprising generosity — he was also tall and handsome, I admit. When I told my friends about this, they all enthusiastically encouraged me to follow up with the shadchan because what was the worst that could happen? And besides, I really was so impressed with his middos.
I was reluctant, but they were persistent, and I began to consider it. And then, later in the day, one of the friends figured out who the guy was, and suddenly the whole conversation shifted. Oh. Him. Mmm. Other friends also figured out who he was, and like dominos, they each in turn made a complete 180 and started to say, “Huh, I don’t think he’s for you.” It was obvious to me what they meant, but no one would say out loud what the problem was.
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