What to Do When It Doesn’t Work

Besides being the backbone and bedrock of our system of learning, questions are a window into a person’s soul. When people offer answers, they might be based on opinion, ego, or a distortion of reality. But a question is always based on an inner conflict. Questions are honest, raw, and real. A question is a person being vulnerable. What’s your question?

The Question

Hey Rabbi,

I

’ve heard so much about the importance of love and acceptance when interacting with people who are challenging or engaged in at-risk behaviors. But with all this talk about love and acceptance, there is usually no discussion about what to do when it doesn’t work — the person reacts unhealthily, or continues to engage in self-destructive behavior, or just doesn’t respond at all. Then what?

Akiva

The Answer

T

his is a very important question and one that deserves discussion.

Let’s start with a fact: People are afraid to accept and love each other. Sometimes this is because we’re afraid that if we display acceptance and unconditional love to someone, that translates as tacit approval of their choices and behavior. This is not a baseless fear.