When Connection Frays

In previous generations, when it was less socially acceptable to distance oneself from parents, children were more likely to suffer through volatile relationships than to pull away from their families. Today, when society is more favorably disposed to children who carve out their own space, young people increasingly choose this path as the way to resolve family problems. 

Simultaneously, their parents, who grew up with the concept that family is sacrosanct and irreplaceable, tend to cling tenaciously to the bond. Wise parents and children realize that although there are rare cases, ideally determined by a serious discussion with qualified professionals and daas Torah, where a complete rupture is warranted, the value of a parent-child relationship, even when limited or strained, can hardly be overstated.

While most communication problems have complicated roots involving both parties, the onus of reconciliation is on the parents, says Mrs. Basie (Tress) Rosenblatt LCSW, a social worker in private practice in Brooklyn and Lakewood, as well as a consultant for MASK. With perspective acquired through their additional life experience, parents usually have a greater appreciation for, and dedication to, the centrality of family, which can help them make painful choices for the good of the relationship. Of course, a child who understands the priceless value of family can also be the one to lean in and take initiative for repairing a relationship. 

In one case Mrs. Rosenblatt was acquainted with, a mother joined with her adult daughter in a business partnership. When the daughter began to make unreasonable demands with regard to the partnership, the mother decided to withdraw her claims in order not to rupture the mother-daughter relationship. Mrs. Rosenblatt describes the mother’s thought process: “My daughter is never nice, but at least she comes over. No business in the world is worth having an estranged daughter. Nothing is worth it.”