Why punishment alone rarely teaches lasting lessons — and the practical approach that helps children truly learn from their mistakes
Frantically, she called up her husband at work. Together, they tried to think of an appropriate punishment to teach Dovid a lesson. Stop allowing him to run errands? Not allow him to have dessert on Shabbos?
But what if there was another way?
When a child misbehaves, a parent or educator’s instinct is usually: He has to learn right from wrong. And if I don’t punish him, how will he learn what that is?
But here’s the thing: From a young age, children already know right from wrong, at least intellectually. If you were to ask a four-year-old, “Is it okay to take something that’s not yours?” they would probably give the correct answer. The problem isn’t a lack of knowledge. It’s matching actions to the theoretical knowledge.
“Almost every kid at some point in their childhood slips up and lies or steals; it doesn’t mean they’re bad, and parents need not panic,” Mrs. Lewis, an experienced elementary school principal, observes. “Children’s impulsivity is much greater than adults, and we know the judgment centers of a child’s brain are not fully developed until much later. As they mature, children in healthy home and school environments will normally outgrow these slips and won’t continue lying and stealing, even without severe punishment.” In a healthy environment, a child’s ability to self-regulate will improve with time.
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