M
y parents are warm, wonderful people. They’re also nearly 70 years old, oblivious to the current trends, and live in a tiny community way out of town. I’m their ben zekunim; the last wedding they made was a decade ago. While ostensibly my parents are making all the research phone calls for my shidduchim, they’re so far from the scene, literally and metaphorically, that the information they glean is nearly useless. My siblings are very busy and don’t have hours to devote to researching all the r?sum?s I get. So I’ve started making the calls myself. It’s awkward. Should I be upfront that I’m calling for myself? What about when I’m speaking to her friends — girls I could be dating? How about when the shadchan presses me for my mother’s number? How should I navigate this?
Awkward
That is awkward, such an uncomfortable position to be in.
The short answer to your question is: You shouldn’t be doing this. If you’re asking my opinion, and you are, although not about this, I think you need to find a trusted rebbetzin or wise, experienced woman to make these calls for you. For so many reasons.
I think most girls would be extremely uncomfortable giving you information, and it could backfire on you in a big way. Let’s confront the oft-occurring reality that as one finger is hanging up from a reference call, the other finger is already dialing the number of the friend at hand, and giving a full report of how the call went. If the call was a strange experience for the friend/reference, she may color the way she presents you to the girl you’ve been redt to. (This isn’t an endorsement of this practice, as much as an iteration of the fact that it often happens.) You don’t need to sabotage your own chances.
