The conversation about the uneven nature of the shidduch process has drawn sustained and significant feedback. A new batch of letters is featured here
As a bochur who is not yet in shidduchim, I have been reading the recent give-and-take about the shidduch crisis as a somewhat objective observer. Much has been written about the so-called age gap. However, the imbalance seems to be driven by an additional, mostly overlooked factor. Even if the gap were closed, this issue would still not be resolved.
I believe this is because an overwhelming majority of our girls want a top (really top) learning boy — and there are just not enough of them to go around. This arrangement sadly pits them against each other as the commodity.
The cause for this is multipronged. First, it is much more excruciating and challenging to be a long-term learner than it is to want to marry one. Case in point: the next Sunday you have a headache, wake up at eight, daven, and learn till lunch. That’s an off Shabbos. So the natural course is fewer boys taking the alef train until the end of the line.
Second, if a guy from a weaker background ups his game later in life, “flips out,” and becomes a long-term learner, few self-respecting, aspiring girls would consider the prospect of dating him. Yet at the same time, many girls start to spiritually blossom in seminary, and this is where they first begin to dream of a husband who toils in Torah. And yet after they are woke, they turn up their noses at the guys who trod the very same path they took. Go figure.
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