My Daughter Won’t Talk to Her Father

Our daughter is 26 years old. She’s not yet married and lives at home with us. She works as a speech therapist and is busy with friends and volunteer activities. Here’s the problem: she doesn’t get along with my husband, to the extent that she doesn’t speak to him. I know it’s because he can be gruff and critical, and she’s a sensitive girl.

Over the years I’ve spoken to him about trying to be more gentle and positive, but it’s just his style. He doesn’t mean any harm. I’ve told my daughter that her behavior isn’t respectful, and I’ve asked her to go to counseling alone or with her father, but she refuses.

Her behavior makes the energy in the house very awkward and uncomfortable. We still have young kids living at home, and there’s one in particular who recently started to clam up, too. My husband is furious and thinks we should kick the older one out of the house, but I could never do that. This whole thing is really hard on me as I feel caught between my husband and my daughter, and I don’t know what to do.

Your dilemma touches on many important points. Something that stands out most for me as a parent educator is the harm that harsh parental behavior causes.

Some children — due to their inherent resilience and/or strong emotional support from other sources — manage to feel secure and loved while living with a chronically critical and/or angry parent.

But many more are at risk for developing emotional and behavioral issues as a result of this type of experience — both in the short- and long-term. This is why it’s so important for parents to find ways to educate their children kindly.

You tried unsuccessfully to bring this point home to your husband over the years and that’s all you could do — no one can “make” their spouse behave according to their own wishes. You did what you could do, but Hashem did not bless your efforts with success.